My husband and I decided to get a few of our married friends together and read books that might help strengthen our marriages.
Our first meeting in January was great. We discussed Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love: Practical Insights from John Paul II's Love and Responsibility by Edward Sri. The book itself gave us some great insights into the nature of mature, lasting love, but being able to talk about it with other couples at different stages of marriage really enhanced our understanding.
I'd heard it before, but this experience really helped it sink in that I love a person, not a list of characteristics, qualities, or actions that can change or go away and take "love" with it. Real love makes a choice to seek the good of the beloved, whether or not those good feelings are strong at that very moment. Love is more an action than a feeling; something we do, not something that happens to us.
John Paul II describes marriage as the model of the Trinity on earth, so it seems fitting that marriages should have periods of consolation and desolation just the same as the spiritual life. And that both in marriage and the spiritual life, each of these periods play an important role in our growth and the strength of our commitment.
Next up for the book club in March is The Exceptional Seven Percent by Gregory Popcak. Better start reading...
Saturday, February 18, 2012
It's hard to believe...
that we will have been married a year tomorrow
that my uncle's cancer progressed so quickly
that I've learned so much in the last year that I had thought I already knew
that marriage can be so humbling and uplifting at the same time
that my nephew will be here in a few weeks
the number of logical fallacies I've seen in printed arguments in the last month
that we still haven't finished the wedding thank you notes
that there truly is nothing new under the sun
that my uncle's cancer progressed so quickly
that I've learned so much in the last year that I had thought I already knew
that marriage can be so humbling and uplifting at the same time
that my nephew will be here in a few weeks
the number of logical fallacies I've seen in printed arguments in the last month
that we still haven't finished the wedding thank you notes
that there truly is nothing new under the sun
Monday, December 26, 2011
The Dick Van Dyke show
Now that I'm done with my M.S. program, I have leisure time again!
I finally started using the Kindle my in-laws gave me for my birthday and read the original A Christmas Carol. A great Advent read!
I also discovered that every episode ever made of the Dick Van Dyke show is available for free on Hulu. I've liked the Dick Van Dyke show as long as I can remember, but I was happy to find D likes it, too. It's fun to see how different things are, and yet how some things never change.
I finally started using the Kindle my in-laws gave me for my birthday and read the original A Christmas Carol. A great Advent read!
I also discovered that every episode ever made of the Dick Van Dyke show is available for free on Hulu. I've liked the Dick Van Dyke show as long as I can remember, but I was happy to find D likes it, too. It's fun to see how different things are, and yet how some things never change.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Marriage, Encountered
This past weekend, D and I went to a Marriage Encounter weekend. (see www.wwme.org)
I wasn't sure what to expect. I was nervous; as we were driving there, I was just praying that I didn't regret suggesting we do it now, before kids enter the picture.
In short, it was amazing. I learned so much about D and about myself. We both learned to talk about our feelings in a more meaningful way, and we discovered that by talking about our underlying feelings, we ended up getting to the heart of some issues. It was surprising that we could problem solve without directly talking about a problem. I feel new hope now that, with God's help, we can handle anything that comes our way.
I highly recommend it for all married couples!
I wasn't sure what to expect. I was nervous; as we were driving there, I was just praying that I didn't regret suggesting we do it now, before kids enter the picture.
In short, it was amazing. I learned so much about D and about myself. We both learned to talk about our feelings in a more meaningful way, and we discovered that by talking about our underlying feelings, we ended up getting to the heart of some issues. It was surprising that we could problem solve without directly talking about a problem. I feel new hope now that, with God's help, we can handle anything that comes our way.
I highly recommend it for all married couples!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Bringing me "flowers"
The practice of bringing someone flowers is a bit strange when you stop to think about it in practical terms. Giving someone cut plants to show them you care?
Don't get me wrong, I like flowers in and of themselves. For me, though, it's the thoughts behind bringing flowers that I like more than the flowers themselves. To me, they can say several things:
..I suppose it's fitting that I came up with 10 ways to spiritually give me flowers, since we pray the rosary in decades, and people have likened praying the rosary to laying spiritual flowers at Our Lady's feet.
Don't get me wrong, I like flowers in and of themselves. For me, though, it's the thoughts behind bringing flowers that I like more than the flowers themselves. To me, they can say several things:
- I was thinking of you (even if you weren't around)
- I care about you
- I value you enough to spend my time and/or money getting flowers for you
- I want you to smile/be happy
- These are only for your enjoyment (i.e. I don't expect you to share them with me or do anything practical with them)
- and more
- Compliment me sincerely and often
- and Praise me sincerely in front of other people, whether or not I'm there
- Tell me you love/like me
- and Tell me specific things you love/like about me
- Only point out my flaws to help me improve them
- and Whenever possible, do this in private
- Try to anticipate little things I might need; if you aren't sure, ask what you can do.
- Do something on my to-do list without being asked
- Smile at me for no reason
- Do something you know I like, simply because you know I like it
..I suppose it's fitting that I came up with 10 ways to spiritually give me flowers, since we pray the rosary in decades, and people have likened praying the rosary to laying spiritual flowers at Our Lady's feet.
Monday, August 1, 2011
It's real now
I've heard people say many times that the first year of marriage is the hardest. I wouldn't say that our 5 1/2 months of marriage have been hard, but we have had our challenging moments.
I've mentioned the extraordinary stuff before (like Mono and living apart half the time, which is ending soon, thank goodness), but there's also been ordinary stuff, like learning to share our space. At first, D felt invaded; "his" condo became "our" condo, which took some adjusting. I, in turn, felt displaced. I had to move myself and a house full of stuff into a condo that was already full.
We have discovered new things about each other. Some have been good, like liking the same cereal, and learning each others' funny quirks, like my talking in my sleep. Some of course have been less enjoyable.
I never realized he was such a pack rat, and was startled by his resistance to give away things he never used, even though it was to make room for me and my things.
He didn't realize that I can be over-sensitive sometimes, and he was confused when I would get upset from what seemed like nothing to him.
The amazing thing, though, has been our ability to talk things out and work on them. We're still working on it, but I'm getting better at speaking up when things bother me, and he's getting used to the changes that go along it being "our" home. It makes me feel confident that we can work out any issue that comes our way.
I've been pleasantly surprised by my ability to forgive and forget. There are times I'll remember that we disagreed about something the day before, but I can't remember what it was exactly. I never been this way before, and I believe that it must be the grace that goes along with the sacrament of matrimony.
It dawned on me while I was driving a few days ago: this marriage thing feels real to me now. At our wedding, I felt like I was at someone else's wedding. The first couple months seemed like some strange, vivid dream. Somehow, the challenges have really made me feel more ready to be a wife and live out my role.
I've mentioned the extraordinary stuff before (like Mono and living apart half the time, which is ending soon, thank goodness), but there's also been ordinary stuff, like learning to share our space. At first, D felt invaded; "his" condo became "our" condo, which took some adjusting. I, in turn, felt displaced. I had to move myself and a house full of stuff into a condo that was already full.
We have discovered new things about each other. Some have been good, like liking the same cereal, and learning each others' funny quirks, like my talking in my sleep. Some of course have been less enjoyable.
I never realized he was such a pack rat, and was startled by his resistance to give away things he never used, even though it was to make room for me and my things.
He didn't realize that I can be over-sensitive sometimes, and he was confused when I would get upset from what seemed like nothing to him.
The amazing thing, though, has been our ability to talk things out and work on them. We're still working on it, but I'm getting better at speaking up when things bother me, and he's getting used to the changes that go along it being "our" home. It makes me feel confident that we can work out any issue that comes our way.
I've been pleasantly surprised by my ability to forgive and forget. There are times I'll remember that we disagreed about something the day before, but I can't remember what it was exactly. I never been this way before, and I believe that it must be the grace that goes along with the sacrament of matrimony.
It dawned on me while I was driving a few days ago: this marriage thing feels real to me now. At our wedding, I felt like I was at someone else's wedding. The first couple months seemed like some strange, vivid dream. Somehow, the challenges have really made me feel more ready to be a wife and live out my role.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
What I signed up for
"I take you to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."
This is what I vowed on my wedding day. It seems straight-forward enough, but at times I'm not sure I understand my role as a wife. When do I challenge my husband to be a better person, and when do I accept him the way he is? When do I take care of responsibilities for him out of love, and when do I ask more of him to keep him from sloth? When do I vent frustrations to improve our relationship, and when do I hold them in to spare his feelings? I suppose I have a lot to learn...
I thought, as an exercise, I'd find definitions for some of the keywords in the vows, in hopes of shedding some light on the mystery of marriage:
This is what I vowed on my wedding day. It seems straight-forward enough, but at times I'm not sure I understand my role as a wife. When do I challenge my husband to be a better person, and when do I accept him the way he is? When do I take care of responsibilities for him out of love, and when do I ask more of him to keep him from sloth? When do I vent frustrations to improve our relationship, and when do I hold them in to spare his feelings? I suppose I have a lot to learn...
I thought, as an exercise, I'd find definitions for some of the keywords in the vows, in hopes of shedding some light on the mystery of marriage:
- take: to receive or accept (a person) into some relation
- true: firm in allegiance; loyal; faithful; steadfast
- honor(n): 1. honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions 2. high respect, as for worth, merit, or rank
- honor(v): 1. to hold in honor or high respect; revere: to honor one's parents 2. to treat with honor.
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